Remembering the “Best Page in the Universe”

branches&creaturesJust a reminder, I still don’t have a computer. So this post will also look like crap. Apologies again. I woke up early, so I started watching YouTube. That’s certainly not a part of my usual routine. I decided to do some push-ups because I gotta do something to keep in shape, and I needed something to watch to keep my mind off how much doing push-ups suck. I got caught up in watching a “top 10” series, which started off innocently enough. You know, like “top 10 scientific mysteries” that users create. It was well produced enough that I got halfheartedly sucked into watching another one. Next thing I know, I’m venturing down the path towards the weird part of YouTube. That’s a road everyone knows all too well. It began to appear as though the “top 10” series might’ve been a platform for conspiracy theories. I think. Once when I began to suspect it, I quit watching. But at the same time, it might’ve been tongue-in-cheek. At one point, they seemed to have suggested that a man being crushed by a revolving door was a deliberate act of sabotage. Like he was fucking James Bond. I took it as a joke, I guess, although other videos in their stream would suggest otherwise. Then I got depressed and remembered “oh yeah, this is why people believe in conspiracy theories. Some numbnuts throws up a video on the Internet, and people believe it because it presents a far more interesting take on reality; where there’s intrigue going on behind every closed door and real life is orchestrated by a Bond villain. People just don’t want to accept that human beings are mostly incompetent baffoons, incapable of performing any of the bullshit conspiracies that they believe”. My thoughts verbatim. But the producers of the video, I’ll assume, were joking…yet there’s going to be thousands of people out there that are going to believe they aren’t. When it comes to the Internet, we are terrible at discerning humor. When I was in high school, during the mid-2000s, a buddy and me would frequent the website “The Best Page in the Universe” by Maddox. Maddox is still around doing shit on YouTube by the way, but I must say…not much of a fan anymore. But circa 2005, this was some groundbreaking shit. He insulted kids art, often bragged about beating the shit out of anyone and everyone, and was just one pissed off asshole. I never took Maddox seriously. Was he genuinely pissed off at things? No doubt. I just never took the package that he presented it in seriously. Clearly he’s not a physically imposing man. He’s probably never beaten the shit out of anyone. So while I found the “manliness” rhetoric funny (it was the 2000s, that was a different time), I knew that it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously BECAUSE obviously he wasn’t that person. I don’t think Maddox himself took seriously…although I don’t know if I am laughing AT or WITH him because either way his form of masculine restoration can’t be taken seriously. But my high school buddy had a different interpretation. He thought that while Maddox was being humorous, he was also exposing a TRUTH about masculinity and anti-feminism. Where I just saw an asshole writing stupid shit on the Internet…HE saw a man that had conviction! It didn’t help that there were other troll-jobs and halfassed writers that were littering the internet at that time…they were basically attempting to do what Maddox was doing with his pro-masculine, anti-feminist humor. Remember Tucker Max and Dick Masterson (to name a couple)? Masterson, I was convinced, was a complete troll. Probably only did shit to piss people off. Max on the other hand was a complete scumbag. In one of the rare times I’ve done research for this blog, I Googled Tucker Max and forgot what a POS he was (or is). I’m sure he likes to think of himself as a cross between Daniel Tosh and Charles Bukowski, but I don’t think he would understand either one. Tosh, deep down in his soul, probably thinks of his persona as a mockery (not “satire”, because I don’t know what that means anymore) of frat boy mentality. Max  on the other hand is a genuine glorification of it. It’s hard to believe that this guy flourished less than a decade ago. Max represented this idea that to be “alpha”, you must be an asshole, successful with women, ect. He associated with the “pick-up” community, which sold bullshit to losers (of which I was one) to make us believe that there was an “art” to picking up women. I’ve mentioned before, and I’ll mention again…the conception of “alpha male” to these guys is nonsense. That’s not being alpha. REAL men don’t question themselves or even know what “alpha male” means. Because I’m writing this blog, this automatically takes me out of the running for being “alpha male”. I don’t make up the rules. But when these guys ruled the internet, some took it as a joke…as I did….and some took it as a way of life. They saw these guys be complete jackasses, demean women, and have discontent against society and though: “yeah! That’s exactly how I feel!”. Not everyone, but I think they gave a voice to disgruntled young men. Although it was the 2000s…long before it was thought that Donald Trump could be president…Maddox, Max, and others provided a glimpse, or perhaps even the genesis, into what would eventually be the alt-right. Maddox himself might challenge that, but there were many that DID take his, for a lack of a better description, “masculine disenfranchisement” seriously. Remember that high school buddy I mentioned? It was that type of attitude that helped him justify hitting his girlfriends and hate women in general. (I’d later testify against him in court, but another story for another day). Maddox, of course, can’t take the blame for that. Like all art, and I’ll be generous and throw Maddox in there, he was a representation of his era. Looking at the website “Best Page in the Universe”, I supposed we could say which of it is genuine opinion or “satire”. But what is (or was) less obvious is how much of the “Maddox” persona is (or was) genuine. The inability to detect humor was what helped my friend justify his shitty behavior. And no doubt, many today have incredibly strange beliefs because they misinterpreted something on the internet. It’s just in my view, Maddox was the one that blazed this trail and when we start discussing “the history of the Internet”, his page deserves its own chapter. Who is the REAL Maddox? Don’t know. Don’t care. Unfortunately, there was A LOT more I wanted to say in this post…like anger masquerading as humor….but I ran out of energy. Just letting you know that hopefully I’ll have my computer back soon and can return to having paragraphs.

Watching WAY too much “Fast and the Furious”

Everywhere I work, everywhere I go…the same bizarrely specific person appears.

I can’t escape them.

As I mentioned before, I live in a red state. But I imagine that this type of GUY can be found anywhere. But the shape he takes down south is this: A huge TOOL fan (along with a number of other aggressively mediocre metal bands that appeared in the late 90s and the 2000s), thinks of himself as a mechanic but has to reluctantly accept his current job (and despite being a “mechanic”, he has a shitty car), grew up unknowingly white trash, believes himself to be a “genius”, and hates life and blames everyone but himself for his shitty predicament.

Oh, and he has facial jewelry of sorts. AND, perhaps worst of all….he has an overbearing sense of cynicism.

I first became aware of this type of guy when I was in the Army. That pretty much describes every other white guy in the military. Of course, I was young then. The Army is full of faux-alpha male types, so I didn’t realize that these people were just self-loathing buffoons.

Then I briefly dated a “goth” girl. I was 19 and she was 25. She had all kinds of male friends (that she was probably fucking). Now I wouldn’t classify the guys I’m discussing as “goth”, but they certainly run in the same crowd. And this provided me with a brief peek behind the curtain.

All of these guys were in their late 20s or 30s, so I didn’t realize how pathetic their lives were. But they had the strangest conversations. I don’t even know if we could call them conversations as they were really just talking at each other. There was no sense of emotional reciprocation. Not that they didn’t have emotions. They just didn’t KNOW that they had emotions. But the topics of conversations were all the same: cars, buying parts for cars, motorcycles.

And they smoked. A LOT.

However, on occasion something strange would happen. They’d break from their usual topics and mention an absolutely horrible story. Usually something traumatic that happened to them. And these stories are nearly impossible to believe. Yet they always ended the same way: they felt nothing.

What the hell? Why would someone tell a horrible (and unbelievable) story only to say that they didn’t feel anything afterwords? Is it a cry for help? Is it an attempt to create an emotional connection? What’s the point?

And that’s where I discovered another trait: an obsession with the “dark” aspects of life that supposedly have no effect on them. It’s self-loathing masquerading as cool, that THEY believe makes them look tough on the exterior.

I hate Nirvana. The band, not the religious philosophy. It’s sad that Kurt Cobain killed himself. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone. But he was this symbol of a movement towards making sad and horrible things cool, yet being in complete denial of one’s own feelings of the sad and horrible things. Nirvana, for me, symbolizes this wallowing in self-pity. It’s not cool. It’s just shitty music.

Thankfully the relationship with the “goth” girl didn’t last long. There’s only so much of that shit one can take. But it left me with an awareness of this brand of unaware and deceptively smug jackass.

And they were everywhere. It’s understandable that teenagers would be that way. But grown ass men?

You’re probably wondering “what’s your point?” Or “who gives a shit?”

But it is becoming bothersome. Why do I keep running into these assholes? Do they actually EXIST? Or am I projecting that image onto them?

If it’s the last question, then I have a major problem. Obviously. Why would I project that onto them, and why the hell do I despise the shit out of them?

I wonder what people think when they see me. I wonder what it’s like to have a conversation with me. Do I come across as being cynical? Do my stories sound like absolute bullshit? ARE my stories bullshit?!

Unfortunately I cannot know what it’s like to have a conversation with me. I’d like to think that I’m an engaging, charming, and handsome character that people trip over themselves to meet. But what if that wasn’t true? And what if I KNOW that that’s not true, and somehow I’m trying to bury the fact that I AM a cynical piece of shit that people hate?

So perhaps those guys aren’t the problem….I’M the problem and I just see too much of myself in those douchebags. And that’s why I keep running into these mother fuckers everywhere I go.

So it’s ME that’s engaging in self-pity!

Son of a bitch!

But the ultimate question I want to ask is: what are these guys called? Is there a name for them but I’m too much of a homebody nerd to know what the cool kids are saying? If there isn’t, can I give them one?

They’re not alt-right. In fact, I don’t think they have an understanding of politics at all. Plus, these guys do get laid, so that definitely wouldn’t fit the alt-right definition.

But I’ve got nothing. Someone help me out.

Anyways, I get the feeling that these guys watch WAY too much Fast and the Furious. So that’s why I posted a Fast and the Furious video. Peace!

Fragile Masculinity Under Attack!

Look, first off…it’s Sunday night.

I’ve got nothing. No deep insights. No deep THOUGHTS, really. My mind is just blank.

However, when things get like that, I like to read things that piss me off. Like I said, I hate myself. And whenever I like to hate myself, I turn to the National Review to provide me with a swift kick to the scrotum.

Whenever I read the National Review, I often question how things got to be this way. How did a bunch of mostly (Ivy League) educated folks come to write such crap? It’s not even unique crap, it’s just the same rehashed shit that was originally written in the 80’s. Those mother fuckers are STILL talking about Ronald Reagan like the Walter Mondale debate happened yesterday. Yet here I am unemployed while a bunch of writers are half-assing their assignments.

HOW DID IT GET TO BE THIS WAY?!!

But anyways, no writer makes me question my sanity more than Ben Shapiro. Again, why am I unemployed while he’s not? How did he get into UCLA and Harvard while I didn’t? Not only me, but how are SO many people unemployed and non-graduates of Harvard, yet Ben Shapiro IS employed and a Harvard graduate?

But Shapiro wrote an article this week bemoaning the concept of “toxic masculinity” and how masculinity itself is under attack. I’m too lazy to go back and link it to my page, so if you want to find you’ll just have to brave the website yourself. But it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth, or sort of like if you vomit a lot and the stench sort of lingers on your beard (if you have a beard). It’s sort of like that. And I’ve been unable to shake it from my mind.

Look, I’ve been a man all of my life. I’ve got a penis. I’ve got testes. Got facial hair…all the marking of what would make one “a male”. Right? And I imagine that when people meet me, they take the assumption that I’m a man. Because it would be completely weird if I whip out my penis to prove to them that I’m a male. I’ve never felt the need to do that. And that’s always been good enough for me to feel like a man. I don’t feel the need to go out and ‘prove’ to anyone that I am…in fact…a man.

And I understand that there are MANY people that don’t feel that way. There are some that are born “male”, but don’t in fact identify as such. And same thing with those those born “female”. And personally, I think that the world is a better place knowing that people are provided the opportunity to identify with who (or is it whom?) they feel their genuine selves to be.

HOWEVER, some (mostly males) feel the need to be, let’s say…extra MALE. So they do things like buy oversized vehicles, work out excessively, tell racist or sexist jokes, etc. And this is what we now identify as “toxic masculinity”. But in an intellectual, sociological, psychological, or whatever sense, we can also identify toxic masculinity as being this state of character where the man must be in complete control, to the point where women are just seen as objects or second-class citizens. OR, to the point where women are just seen as objects for male desire. (Did I say that twice?) And what results from this are things like sexism, rape culture, domestic abuse, and a host of other societal ills.

It basically reinforces the old adage “boys will be boys”.

Now to the conservative folks at the National Review, the IDEA of toxic masculinity is, in fact, hurting traditional masculinity. So now we’re just raising a bunch of lazy girly-men who will never know what it’s like to kill a wolf with their bare hands. And because “modern men” detest guns and violence, they won’t be able to protect their family from guns and violence. Because in the world of Ben Shapiro and the folks at the National Review, the world is a dangerous place and you have to be packing a Glock at all times like they did in the olden days of the Founding Fathers.

It’s the attack on this “traditional masculinity” that has fueled the pro-Trump movement. I mean, like it or not, IT DID. The iron-pumping, Dodge Ram-driving, NRA-card-carrying asshole felt that their sense of “manliness” was diminishing. They felt threatened by an ever changing world where they could no longer objectify women, belittle homosexuals, and whip out their wangs to compare sizes. They felt “emasculated” by Hillary Clinton, so they rallied behind Donald Trump who was so manly that he could punch out ISIS with his dick.

Who knew masculinity was so fragile?

Now look, I’m not the most manliest of dudes. Nor do I pretend to be. Why? Because I don’t care.

What do I have to prove?

So perhaps I’m not the best person to come to if you want to know how to be “manly”. But I am comfortable in my own skin. I pay my bills. I may be a fuck-up but I try to be a good person in this world. So what if men today aren’t the same kind of “men” like they had in the wild west? Those men were also butchers and rapists. Why would we want to be like them?

So being a man today doesn’t require anything special. Just be a good person and be true to your genuine self. No one gives a shit about your huge engine, biceps, and collection of guns. In fact, if you have those things, you really just look desperately pathetic. I mean, the only people who think those things are cool are other men who also have those things. Everyone else thinks you’re just compensating.

Also, REAL men shouldn’t feel so fragile about their masculinity that they complain about being “emasculated”. Now that IS pathetic.

BTW, I posted some random video of Ben Shapiro. You are welcome Ben for the free promotion (I sense that he probably Googles himself). And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.