For the record, I don’t give a shit how you write. I’M just saying that if you start your piece one of two ways…I instantly don’t give a shit.
Now I have a lot of leeway at Philosophy Redux. I can say whatever the fuck I want. I can write an entire article saying “shit shit fuck fuck piss ass i poo pooed in my pantz”. Of course, it’s my blog and nobody reads this shit. So who gives a fuck?
But I was visiting The Week when an article instantly caught my eye: “what the pro-life movement can learn from the dsa” or some shit. Unfortunately the article started off saying: “in January of 1970, a bunch of protesters” blah blah blah. “Fuck this”, I thought. And I didn’t read any farther.
“But Wes, history is important. Don’t you want to learn about history?”
Look, I read a lot. If you got something to say, just say it. Don’t give me a history lesson. I’m lazy. So unless you’re Ken Burns or Peter Coyote, shut the fuck up.
You know what else I hate?
Every other article starts off like this:
“The American Penis Society measured and sucked off 40,000 dicks and they discovered that uncircumcised penises have the best sperm. They also discovered that uncircumcised cocks are bigger. My father had a small cock and it ruined his life”
You know who else uses a lot of facts? Conspiracy theorists. It’s like, the MORE facts you use, the MORE convinced I am that you’re lying to me.
Stop trying so hard dude.
Some English teacher probably taught you to tell the audience an “interesting story” or “a startling fact” to instantly engage your audience. Now every article sounds like shit.