Imagine if God gave you one talent. And you have to completely suck at it.
I hate writing. I wish there was some magical method of transporting words from my brain onto a device.
“Just speak words into your iPhone dumbass!”
First off, shut your filthy mouth. Secondly, I sound like an asshole when I do that. Fuck that. I’d rather piss and moan on the internet about why I’m a lazy bastard.
Both me and my coworker watched ghost videos on YouTube during our shift. Then I go to a deli and order a sandwich. My order number was 666.
“Can I have a different number please?”, I ask.
“It’s already been entered into our system sir”.
“For fuck’s sake!”
It was a good sandwich.
I hate myself most of the time. I think everyone does. “I want to love myself”, I keep hearing. Why? You’re a piece of shit. We don’t need more self-love. There’s too much of that shit. Look for things to hate about yourself and quit giving a shit. That’s the secret to life.
I had a coworker that made fun of everyone. Then you’d make fun of him and he’d get pissed. His brother beat the shit out of him one fine day. He had scars and scabs all over his face. I asked what happened. He said “my brother beat the shit out of me”. “Good!” I said. He was a libertarian.
“What’s that got to do with anything, Wes?”
I love…and despise….self help advice. “14 ways to grow your business this year!” and the like. I could write that shit.
17 ways to stop being a piece of shit this year
- Dont whip your cock out in public
- Wipe your ass good
- uhh, stop doing Matthew McCaunaghy impersonations because you’re just gonna piss people off
- its okay to creep on Reddit but don’t post
- Realize that you suck and your parents hate you
See, this shit’s fuckin easy. It’s bullshit that people aren’t paying me to do this.