Never message me.
That will go on my gravestone.
Nevertheless, people do so. These are sick, sick people. For whatever reasons, God has instructed them to come to me. I don’t know why I was chosen.
But I was.
Here is some of the sagely advice I have bestowed upon those in need:
I can predict the future. I can see everything. I see you watching porn. I see that you have a 2 1/2 inch flaccid penis. I see everything, Wes. I see everything. My question is that I’m tired, TIRED of people asking me to tell them their future. Do they know what a hassle that is? I’m not some circus show. I’m an actual human being damn it! How do I tell these people to fuck off?
Justin from Clearwater, FL
First off buddy, my penis is 2 3/4th inches soft. Secondly, I know exactly what you’re going through. It’s tough being smarter than everyone. But you know what? Tough shit. It’s a gift. And when you’re blessed with a gift, you must bless it onto others. What if Jesus and Superman just said “you know, I have the power to save others. But I don’t feel like doing it. It’s too much of a hassle.” So don’t be an asshole, Justin.
My kids are happy. They have friends. They’re well adjusted. They make good grades. But how can I teach them that life won’t stay that way? How can I teach them that one day they’ll be stuck in a dead-end job, overweight, in a sexless marriage, and have kids that will hate them?
Alice from Omaha, NE
Kids should learn that life is terrible and meaningless. Sure, they’re happy now. But you and I know it won’t stay that way. Start by saying spooky shit. Things like “I don’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore” or “If you kids don’t shut up, I will light myself on fire.” Then share a six pack with them and explain that alcohol makes all the pain go away. Disappearing for weeks on end and no longer saying “I love you” are effective as well.
I hate you. I wish you a thousand deaths. If I see you on the streets, I will put you underground. If you want a debate to the death, I’m ready. You ain’t shit BUCKO.
Jordan from Toronto, Canada
You’re gonna have to do more than that to scare me. I get threats every day. So the Russian debate is on? Cool, cool. My people will reach out to your people. But if you think I’m terrified about death, think again sunshine. I’m ready to die! So beware. I’m crazy. I’M CRAZY!