This world is a godawful place.
Sometimes people need a little guidance, a moral compass if you will, to help them through this hell.
Why they chose me, I will never know.
I do not ask for these letters. But the hand of God has chosen me to guide these people. Here are some of these letters:
I hit a homeless guy while driving drunk one night. I stuffed him in my trunk with the intention of burying him. When I got home, I realized that he was still alive. Instead of finishing him off, I nursed him back to health. Now, five years later, he’s still living at my house rent free. I know that I hit him with my car, and he is slightly paralyzed, but would it be wrong of me to ask him to get a job?
-Eric from Des Moines, IA.
Not at all. You gotta be clear with him Eric: he’s been riding this gravy train for too long. I understand that you want to avoid charges of vehicular manslaughter and possible kidnapping, but in the eyes of public, he’s still a homeless guy. No one’s going to believe him anyway. So he should be thankful that you hit him with your car. Remind him who’s boss. You took him off the streets, and you can put him right back there.
What does it mean when you shit blue? Should I go see a doctor?
-Rachel from Richmond, VA
You can go see a doctor, but he’ll only tell you what I’m about to tell you: it ain’t good. Nothing good can come from going to New Orleans.
I’m tired of you talking shit. Well guess what sunshine, I CHALLENGE you to a debate. Right here, right now. Come up to Toronto and we’ll hash it all out. I will end you, Wes Michael. I will END YOU.
-Jordan from Toronto, Canada.
Haha, your cheap tricks amuse me. You couldn’t pay me to go to Toronto. How about we settle this the old-fashioned way: at an undisclosed location in Siberia. You bring your guys. I’ll bring mine. Sure, you can survive a Canadian debate. But can you survive a Russian one? I await your response.