As I tell my followers: don’t fucking message me.
But we all find ourselves at moral crossroads. For one reason or another, people will message me hoping that I will bless them with sage advice. And that’s always the smartest decision you can make.
For the record, these people make me sick.
Alright! Here are a few letters:
My cousin is really hot. I mean, she’s not my first cousin. She’s like twice removed. But occasionally we’ll get drunk at family reunions (we’re Catholic) and make out. Nothing serious. Should we bang it out? You know, like get it out of our systems?
Josh from Stockton, CA
Have you ever read the Bible, Josh from Stockton, CA? If you did, then you would know people have been doing this shit for centuries. In fact, cousin bangin’ is probably what kept the human race alive. Have you ever heard of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt? They were cousins and won World War II. But here’s the thing: if you two decide to eat of the forbidden fruit of passion, you’re gonna have to marry her. Think about it: let’s say you two get it on. Later on, you’ll probably marry a woman that’s not your cousin. Then you’ll show up to these reunions and everything will be awkward. Your wife will find out and won’t know what to think of you. It’s just not worth it. So if you do take it to the next level with your cousin, double down. Put a ring on it.
I killed our family dog. It wasn’t by accident. I just needed something to kill. My kids are upset because their dear pooch is missing. Should I tell them the truth? Should I tell them that their dad is a raging alcoholic that’s trying to keep his murderous tendencies at bay?
Larry from Eau Claire, WI
Interesting question Larry. Kids should know that they’re going to be dead one day. So think of this as an opportunity to provide that lesson. Additionally, it’s an opportunity to inform your kids about any history of alcoholism, depression, and psychotic tendencies that run through your family.
I noticed that you threw out an old pair of underwear yesterday. I fished them out of the dumpster and proceeded to smell them. It made me horny. I took them home and rubbed them on my body. I’m wearing them now. I take pictures of you through your window. Are you lonely, Wes? Do you sometimes wonder the streets giving out BJs to men that look like you? Why Wes?? Why won’t you accept my invitations? What’s the cure for this loneliness if it isn’t you?
Peter from Athens, GA
I understand you frustrations Peter. Sometimes I look in the mirror in despair because I’ll never have sex with myself. The sad truth is there is no cure. But try posting to Chapo Trap House and Jordan Peterson subreddits.