Fan Fiction: James Bond


Last night, I predicted the future.

The year is 2020. Harry Styles has been cast as James Bond. Christopher Nolan is set to direct. I’m a famous writer, the most famous ever, and have been brought in to consult on the next 007 production. I attend a meeting with James Bond producers Barbara Broccoli, Michael G. Wilson and director Nolan.

Barbara Broccoli: “Thank you Mr. Michael for making this meeting. We’re big fans of your internet writing.”

Christopher Nolan: “I’m your biggest fan”.

Me: “Thank you Ms. Broccoli, Mr. Nolan, Mr. Wilson. I knew that some day I’d be getting this call.”

Michael G. Wilson: “Please pitch your idea. I’m dying to hear what my cameo will be.”

Me: “Allow me to make this proclamation: The public demands a lady 007. Imagine this…cold open: a woman, played by Emily Blunt walks up to a bartender played by Michael G Wilson. Wilson asks “what can I get you ma’am?”. Blunt replies “a vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.” As she waits for her drink, she gets a call from Ralph Finnes’ M. “007 here”, she says. Audiences are now thinking “what the fuck is going on here?”. M supplies her with instructions. She’s on a mission. She’s been following a man. Blunt takes her drink. She pursuits the man. There are other agents at this location. They’re all communicating through ear pieces. One agent remains in the shadows, face unseen. Through various set pieces, Blunt chases this man through the streets. Then she’s pursued. Finally she catches up to the man. A fight breaks out. Another person joins in the fight against Blunt. Then, out of the shadows, the unseen agent appears. It’s Harry (Styles). The two fight the bad guys off. When they’re defeated, Blunt asks Styles “who the hell are you?”. “Bond”, he says. She’s confused. “James Bond”, he continues. “You’ve got a lot to learn, Mr. Bond.” She says. And on to the titles.”

Nolan: “Simply brilliant. But how should we distinguish Styles’ interpretation of James Bond from Mr. Daniel Craig’s?”

Broccoli: “We definitely want a different ‘kind’ of Bond.”

Me:” Absolutely. Daniel Craig is the greatest actor of our generation. We wouldn’t want to set Mr. Styles up for failure by having him mimic Craig’s performance.”

Wilson: “Would it be weird if Harry did the theme song?”

Me: “I think it’d be weird if he DIDN’T do it.”

Broccoli: “How would his interpretation be different?”

Me: “The cold open takes place several years before the main plot…before Bond was a 00. Harry is young. We have to use that. We come to learn that Blunt’s character took Bond under her wing. After she mysteriously disappeared, he assumed her 007 rank. Now, several years into being a 00 agent, Bond is reprimanded for being indiscriminate with his license to kill. M tells him “you’re a spy first. Assassin second” and is sent off on some piddly mission. We learn here that Bond is still Bond: immature, insubordinate, arrogant. But he isn’t as brooding as Craig. This Bond actually wants to please M, his de facto father figure. Despite his arrogant disposition, he secretly harbors doubts about his mission in life.”

Nolan: “Were Bond and Blunt’s character romantically involved?”

Me: “That’s up to the audience to decide. However, I would say no. Bond certainly held those feelings towards her. Due to age difference and his relative immaturity, those feelings certainly weren’t mutual. She was his superior. The idea behind this is that she’s the one woman Bond couldn’t get.”

Wilson: “So her disappearance is what’s going to drive the plot?”

Me: “Yes sir. She’s been presumed dead but no one’s confirmed that. Bond, of course, doesn’t believe that. He hears through the grapevine that another agent, 002, has been dispatched regarding her disappearance. 002 is an older, aging agent…played by Mark Rylance. M wants to keep Bond in the dark about that, which upsets 007 when he’s sent on a lesser mission. In another moment of character development, Naomi Harris’ Moneypenny spills the beans on 002’s mission while at an after hours bar with Bond. Here’s where his relationship with Blont is explained. Meanwhile, after Moneypenny leaves, Bond hooks up with a girl. It’s implied that she’s his fuck buddy. When they wake up the next morning, she asks “What do you do anyway?”. “Universal Exports”, he replies. “Off to anywhere interesting?”, “Kaliningrad darling”, he begrudgingly says.”

Nolan: “What is the plot anyways? Who are the villains?”

Me: “We all know these plots don’t matter. But somehow 002 is captured by the villain…played by Matthew McConaughey (MM for short) doing the best impression of himself with a little Dennis Hopper thrown in. Morgan Freeman would own this role as well. Most Bond villains are simple: they’re motivated by money, world domination, etc. Not MM. MM is a religious ideologue with genuine followers. Somehow Blunt got caught up in his organization. In the interrogation scene, MM and Mark Rylance go head to head. It’ll be one of the best scenes in Bond history which will unfortunately not feature Bond. MM wants Rylance to join him. Rylance is a man of principle. When he refuses, he reminds MM that someone will be sent after him. MM replies “that’s what I’m counting on.”

Broccoli: “What’s the Villain’s organization? What’s its purpose?”

Me: “It’s a religious-based vigilante group. They seem to uphold the so-called virtues of “strength and righteousness” or some shit. They’re basically an alt-right group. It’s leader, MM, likes to recruit “men and women of action” for the coming apocalypse. This is why it’s important to have a charismatic actor. It’s why Bond and Blunt become conflicted about themselves and their purpose. It’s why so many rogue agents have joined his group.”

Wilson: “How will Bond defeat the villain?”

Me: “Upon learning the disappearance of 002, Bond redirects himself. Meanwhile, Blunt makes herself known to 002. She tells him that she initially went rogue to join MM, but is now secretly planning to kill him. Bond arrives on the scene. He infiltrates MM’s organization. MM gives a grand sermon to his flock. He tells them that there is a new member in the group and he is to be welcomed. Bond knows that he’s been outed and that he is facing no ordinary villain. He is capture and confronts MM face to face. “Do you believe in God, Mr. Bond?”, he asks. Blunt finds Bond and explains to him what happened to her. It’s implied that MM takes certain advantages of his “flock”. After some bullshit plot twists and set pieces, one in which Bond is forced to kill 002, Bond takes down MM that’s reminiscent of the ending to Apocalypse Now: MM begins rambling on about existential nonsense like he did in True Detective while Bond sneaks up on him and kills him. Instead of being in pain, MM states his relief that he is dying. When the “flock” sees that their leader is dead and Bond standing over him, they kneel down and begin to worship 007. Bond throws down his weapon, unchains Blunt from whatever weird ceremony they were doing, and the two walk away. They say nothing to each other. When Bond implies his romantic intentions towards her later, she says “You still have lots to learn”, then fades away forever.”

Nolan: “What’s the message of the film?”

Me: “Message? There’s messages in these things?”

Broccoli: “I think he meant ‘themes'”

Me: “Bond learns shit. He learns the value of “not killing”, even though he kills a lot of people. Bullshit and bullshit. Basically it sets Bond up for the modern era of gun violence, intolerance, toxic masculinity, sexism, and alt-right misinformation nonsense. We also set up Emily Blunt’s character, a ‘woman James Bond’ if you will.”

Wilson: “Fuckin’ genius!”

Nolan: “I’m not worthy of directing this movie.”

Broccoli: “Marry me.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”


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