I’m a shitty person.
I know that.
I was going to quit writing altogether and try my hand at some REAL work. I was going to become a truck driver. That’s right, a fucking truck driver. All I had to do was pass a few course and then BAM…you have a CDL.
I’ve tried my hand in the trucking industry twice now. It was a mistake both times. The first go-around I was hired to be a driver manager. The second, I tried to be a DRIVER. The problem I ran into was the same problem I had when in the Army: I hated everyone.
If you’re a person like me, a rather unmanly couldn’t-give-a-shit kind of guy, you’re not going to get along with anybody if you choose trucking or the military as a career path. They’re both populated with pissed off men living pissed off lives that have no patience for anyone that isn’t innately knowledgeable about firing a rifle or operating a diesel engine. For trucking school in this instance, no one wanted to teach it so I demanded my money back.
One would have thought that I’d have this shit figured out by now. Not trucking, but life. I go through these cycles where things improve and then things come crashing down again. Next thing I know, I’m back here writing a blog post about how big of a fuck up I am.
Perhaps the lesson I should learn is: never stop writing.
Everyone wants to be a writer. I know that. Everyone thinks they can write. I’ve never pretended to be a good writer. I hardly understand the English language. BUT, it’s all I know and it’s really the only thing I want to do.
Unfortunately, I have to drift from job to job to support this habit. I’ve become the Henry Chinaski of Factotum (only Chinaski took his job hopping with greater humor than I ever could). Someone might say: “keep your head up good chap! (because in my mind, it’s a British person saying this) there’s a job out there for you, you just got to keep trying!”. Well, unless that job wants to pay me to surf the internet all day, I’m not interested.
That’s typical millennial thinking: wanting something for nothing.
Welp, guilty as charged!
But here in the West (at least), we’re conditioned to be corporate slaves…told to seek the right “skills” that are subject to change whenever our overlords deem necessary, and when we can’t keep up then we deserve whatever fate comes our way. The shit-wheel keeps on spinning and there’s no sense in trying to stop it…at least we’re told. Ideals are for the weak. The strong contribute to the wheels of injustice and climb to its highest echelons. “Don’t get angry”, we’re told by some stock trading service, “join the ranks of the corporate overlords by investing in shitty companies!”. And on and on the world madly spins, where the majority gets shat on while psychopaths govern the world’s wealth.
“Don’t get angry! Become a psychopath!”
I don’t like that world. I can envision a better one. There are many others that can as well. Myself along with countless millennials have been accused of defeatism because of our perceived weak-willed nature regarding the state of affairs. We’re told to embrace the madness rather than try to change it. If that’s defeatism, then so be it. But I can make the same accusation against those that defend the status quo. These defenders, possibly knowing the ill-effects of the system they benefit from, would rather cower behind the only world they know rather than attempt to change it. That’s far more defeatist than anything I’ve done. Want to change the world? We must throw a stick into the spokes…at the very least, we must say “I won’t play this game any longer”.
Or to quote Angela Davis: “I’m no longer accepting the things I cannot change…I’m changing the things I cannot accept.”
Nevertheless, here I am. Another lesson learned: don’t waste time with things that don’t work.
I’m back. Hopefully for good.
For the last couple of weeks, I had this profile on private. I needed time to decide what I was going to do with it. Obviously, I had a career crisis.
But, I’ve changed some things. I changed the layout and I’m working on the artwork. We’ll see how that goes.